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[goingtobeunwell]

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[goingtobeunwell]

Christ, it really is.

[He finishes his tea and gestures to the kettle -- a bit more? Actual hot water is still such an indulgent thing.]

I've fallen quite a bit, and was spiked each time upon landing. I've always found it difficult to close myself off completely though.

[riseunparalleled]

[He hums sympathetic agreement as he pours another cup.]

Like jumping into a pit and not knowing if there's angry ghosts, scorpion-snakes, or a surprisingly soft landing waiting for you. [Just to use a metaphor everyone can relate to.] I usually think that while closing off your heart might save a certain type of pain, it brings with it another. [He smile is a little rueful.] A belief that's easier the further away I am from an unfortunate landing.

[goingtobeunwell]

[Yes. Scorpion-snakes. You know. Normal things.]

Ah. Well. [A bit of a sigh, and he picks up the tea cup again.] In life I drank myself to death. It was the easiest way to not feel those feelings.

[riseunparalleled]

I've only gotten drunk once or twice, which might be why it only made everything feel worse. [He refills his own cup.] Yet I'm glad I've gotten the chance to know you.

[goingtobeunwell]

[The feeling is mutual. Perhaps more than that.]

Aye -- this place...I've been stripped bare, taken apart, and slowly remade. It's been painful, but I'm beginning to feel like it's been worth it. Knowing you has helped.

[riseunparalleled]

Ah. [Xie Lian doesn't blush, but he does use taking a drink as an excuse to half-obscure his face with a sleeve for a moment. He doesn't think there's a large part of himself that feels that he's almost always made the lives of the people he's cared about worse, but he's still unused to someone saying the reverse.] Remaking can be a difficult process, it can be hard to figure out how all the pieces fit, and which ones might be new or simply finally allowed to grow... But you've been very kind to me, since we first met, even with all the pains you've carried too. Knowing you has made my life better.

[goingtobeunwell]

[That might be a first for Crozier, being told he's made someone's life better. He clears his throat softly and glances away, quick to find something else to stare at besides Xie Lian.]

May I ask....I don't think I ever have, but why have you come to this place?

[riseunparalleled]

"Originally, I was from the Xianle Kingdom. It fell - many centuries ago, now. There were lots of reasons, but one was the outbreak of a terrible plague."

He's mentioned his deal to a couple of people, but this is more context than he's added.

"We thought the plague was also long gone, burned out in the pile of corpses it brought about... But, recently, I ran across a case. I want the Admiral to eradicate it from the world for good."

[goingtobeunwell]

The eradication of a plague -- it seems too selfless to be true, but he doesn't doubt for a moment that's Xie Lian's intentions are true. He nods softly, thoughtfully.

"Or else history may repeat itself," he says thoughtfully.

[riseunparalleled]

"Yes. It has already killed far too many people, and left so many scarred.

[He looks down at his hands, a moment, steady around the teacup.]

It's not something I ever wanted to see again. Having a chance to do something about it... I'm grateful.

[goingtobeunwell]

"I sincerely hope that you're able to earn your deal with the Admiral. That seems...a noble cause."

One he can see haunting his friend if he doesn't succeed.

[riseunparalleled]

He smiles, but, for once, there's a shadow to it. He doesn't have many nightmares, but there's one that lingers in his heart.

"I can only try my best." He smiles again, this time managing to be full present again. "Even if I fail, I've gotten a chance to see people have a second chance! The Barge has it's troubles, as all places do, but I'm glad to know that it exists."

[goingtobeunwell]

He's seen enough of Xie Lian's genuine smiles to spot a flicker of anxiety ... perhaps worry, sadness.

Crozier sets down his cup and reaches across to place his hand on his friend's. "It isn't so terrible to linger for more than just a moment in those thoughts that make us vulnerable," he gently reassures him.

[riseunparalleled]

Xie Lian rests his other hand on top of Crozier’s for a couple of moments. He appreciates the reassurance. He had been the leader, his people’s hope, he couldn’t be afraid.

“Many of my memories from then - I haven’t forgotten, but they’re fold away. Worn smooth with time. But some things still feel fresh, however many centuries pass.”

[goingtobeunwell]

Crozier knows perfectly well what it’s like to be a leader — he’s both triumphed and failed spectacularly in that particular role.

“It’s the same for us mortals,” he says sympathetically.

[riseunparalleled]

He nods.

"It's also difficult because it has been so long. So much else is different, seeing something from back then..."

It's complicated.

[goingtobeunwell]

“Brings that point of your life into the forefront of your thought?” he guesses. It is only that, after all. Just a guess, for as little life as he’s lived.

“Must be jarring.”

[riseunparalleled]

"Yeah. It is jarring. So much of the world has changed, and I've changed as well. But in that moment, it was almost like nothing had changed. Back then..."

He hesitates for a few moments.

"It was not that there wasn't anything I could do against the plague, but the cure wasn't something I could tell anyone about. That's why I was told what the cure was back then, by an enemy."

[goingtobeunwell]

By an enemy?

“Why do I get the feeling that’s a long story?”

[riseunparalleled]

"A very old story, if nothing else. So much pain, and now there are only a handful of ghosts and a few gods that might remember."

[goingtobeunwell]

Crozier sits up a little straighter, taking stock of the cabin around him, the general feeling of it.

“How lonely that must be,” he remarks.

[riseunparalleled]

"It can be. You go to places you once knew, and it's not just the people are gone, but the very city itself..." They're two different feelings of loss, but they both can cause echoes of loneliness.

"That's why I like to stay in the present, instead of lingering on the past. I enjoy a cup of tea now, so why distract myself with some pain from a century ago?"

[goingtobeunwell]

“Because it’s a part of us,” Crozier replies. “Our pain, our triumphs…it forms us.”

It formed him completely. But that’s not dwelling, is it?

[riseunparalleled]

"Ah, our history is important. Where we come from, what we've done, what's been done to us - all of that matters. But doesn't it also matter, who we are right now? I believe that a person should be able to say 'this here, now, is good', without also having to think of every pain." He taps his chin, trying to fully untangle his thoughts.

There are lessons I've learned about who I want and don't want to be, that I keep in mind so I can do my best to make a choice I won't regret. But if I use the experience as a stick to beat myself, then I won't be able to go forward to make those better choices."

[goingtobeunwell]

“Ah, there is something about living for the moment and not letting the past drag you down,” he reasons. “I imagine it’s something you’ve practiced for a while — the past for us, for me, isn’t all that far from the present, and it’s difficult not to let one weigh on the other.”

Crozier once more looks down at the empty tea cup. How time flies.