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[goingtobeunwell]

[Open post for RP - games, one-off threads, etc.]

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A Mid-June Thread

[goingtobeunwell]

The morning after they'd kissed and been intimate for the first time had felt unreal, like waking up from a very vivid dream. Crozier wouldn't have been sure of it at all if it weren't for a shared smile, knowing and overwhelmingly affectionate, and the little ache in his ribs telling him that it hadn't just been his imagination. It had all been real, the friendly caresses that gradually turned romantic, the shared words of admiration building and building until they finally revealed what each had been struggling with: they loved each other.

While they'd been careful with their...activities, it clearly had been just a little too much for Crozier's body to take. That morning he's able to stand and move, but his stamina quickly ebbs just a few short hours later. The quick walk from the chair to the fire or the table starts to slow, and by the time the evening comes he starts to struggle to hide the wincing or soft grunts that comes from any movement. He doesn't want Rama to see; he doesn't want him to feel responsible. If presented with the choice to be with him he'd make it again in a heartbeat.

[load_aim_shoot]

Raju hasn’t figured out whether anything has changed yet. Not in a clear enough way that he feels like it’s settled, anyway. He feels the same cooking a meal for Francis now as he did yesterday, as he had those few times he had before the terrible end to that long, dark month and what he’d learned about himself after. He feels the same… love, he realises now, it’s love with which he’s doing even something like this. He’d known that, in a way, but he hadn’t known it. Hadn’t been thinking about it as an act of devotion as clear and direct as any fighting that he’s ever done.

He feels the same doing this simple chore for this man as he ever has; the only change is that he’s thinking of Seetha while he does it, wondering if cooking for him had made her feel the same kind of warm, satisfied eagerness that he feels now, the same happiness. But they hadn’t had much time for happiness. Or maybe he hadn’t. And won’t, when he goes back, not even for someone who loves him and counts on him for it, not until his work is done.

Grim thoughts. Or, just… unnecessary ones. He hears Francis behind him and looks that way instead, away from the fireplace and the pan on it, and frowns, realising after he looks that he knows that sound, and shouldn’t be hearing it now. Not from a walk of that length, after as much healing as Francis has had — not enough healing, not yet, but some. He’s gotten better. That trip out to that damn town hall had set him back a bit, but he’d kept healing after.

“Alright?” Raju asks, ignoring the pop of fish in the pan and the smell of it for a moment so he can study him.

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Hell. He thought he’d been quiet with that one. He’d twisted, or moved too fast, or some other damn thing as he’d been washing up in the water closet, and now he can’t walk without feeling all those still-healing muscles screaming in protest. He’s sore, damn it. He absolutely loathes that he’s feeling this way, a setback brought on by just the slightest of indulgences.

“Mhm,” he answers simply, refusing to say anything more. Rama will blame himself, he’ll feel guilty, he’ll start handling Crozier with kid gloves again - maybe he’ll even regret doing what they did. Crozier can’t abide any of that.

Painfully aware that he’s being watched, he holds his breath as he finishes his walk back to the bench. He’s supposed to be helping with their supper; he’s fairly sure he can continue chopping some herbs for their fish without looking like he’s in agony. Maybe it’s just over-exertion of his muscles, and after some rest tonight he’ll be just fine.

[load_aim_shoot]

Oddly closemouthed for Francis. He’s one to explain, or reassure, or complain the way he had when the injury had been nearer, and the inescapable pain of it had been worse. Raju doesn’t hide the intent focus of his stare; asking about Raju’s looking would mean admitting there might be something there to look for, so if Francis is hiding pain from Raju now, he won’t.

“Why don’t we switch places?” Raju suggests, tilting his head toward the pan, it and the fireplace further away from Francis now than the herbs he’s moving to, nearer and with a place to sit in front of them. “If this sticks to the pan this time we’ve fewer herbs left to cover up the burnt taste, and you’re better with the pan than me.”

Raju’s expression aside, it has the advantage of being true. It’s a lower standard Francis has put up with for his meals sometimes, since he’s been hurt, since Raju won’t waste good food practicing and experimenting in the way a part of him wants to until he’s sure he can manage the tools consistently and well. So who would protest, unless he wants to sit down to spare himself? It’s not something Raju takes any satisfaction in, not least because it might worsen pain that needs easing. But this is Francis, and so Raju needs to be sure.

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Damn it all to hell, he doesn’t want more fretting, is that so much to ask? But no, Rama had to do the clever thing and call him out on his white lies.

His movements are hesitating and stiff as he pauses and turns towards the pan, not so much focused on the task at hand but the way Rama is crouched down beside the fire. He knows he can’t do that in this state; hell, he can barely get himself in and out of a chair today. But if he gives in now and admits that he’s in pain, then Rama will most assuredly: 1. be angry at him for hiding it, and 2. refuse to touch him ever again.

So Crozier takes a very confident step towards the pan and Rama. “Of course,” he says, voice struggling to remain neutral. “Not a problem at all.”

But it is a problem, a very big problem, and it’s apparent as he takes that second step, then the third. He’s in agony, and not the kind he can usually push through to get something done. He’s worked muscles that haven’t been used in years on top of those still-healing, very tender injuries, and now every step is just proving that he absolutely should not try to do this. He pauses in the fourth step, face falling.

“I-I can’t.”

[load_aim_shoot]

Instantly Raju stands, frown now businesslike and he's at Francis' side, gaze moving over him, hand so gentle against his back it barely touches. Moving the chair to Francis, he decides, would be better than the other way around, and in a moment the heavy thing is there behind him and Raju's hands are at Francis' shoulder and his back.

"You can sit," he says and offers Francis his hand to hold onto the way Francis had needed near the beginning, when seeing him able to stand at all had lit something bright and hot inside Raju's chest. Watching him moving in that stiff, halting way feels very different, now. Raju's expression is focused, troubled, as close to neutral as he can keep it, and he's silent until he sees Francis settled — as settled as he can get now he's in this degree of pain again — back into the chair he's going to be spending a lot more of his time in.

In a moment he'll arrange a few pillows in the way that seems to help, or at least not hurt. In a moment he'll move the fish off of the fire. Right now Raju only looks down at him, looking troubled. "You could have done it yesterday," he points out, tone nearly neutral, but quieter than he'd intended it. It's hard to see Francis this way, and he doesn't want to put words to the reason behind the pain yet. Easier, or at least more bearable, to prompt Francis to do it instead.

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It seems like resignation, sitting down in that chair, but it couldn’t feel more welcomed to his very tired body. He holds Rama’s hand tightly, so, so tightly, and refuses to let it go even as he settles back into his little prison in the form of respite.

Rama is worried. He’s trying not to let it show, but Crozier knows his face too well to not see the signs. It’s in his eyes, he always has trouble masking his anger or hurt in them, in the way his jaw and neck tightens. He’s worried but is fighting not to let it show.

“Yes,” he agrees, finally letting Rama take his hand back. “Yes, I could.”

He could do lots of things yesterday that he can’t tolerate today. God. He hopes this is only temporary.

He just needs to rip the bandage off now, not keep Rama waiting for an explanation. “I woke up sore, but to no obvious sign that I’d exacerbated my injuries or wounded myself. I assumed it was temporary, but as the hours passed the ache seemed to worsen.”

[load_aim_shoot]

Francis' grip on his hand loosens, but Raju can feel the ghost of how tightly he'd been clutching it and doesn't move his hand away. He crouches instead, letting out a long, slow breath as he thinks over Francis' words.

"It's very bad, isn't it?" he says softly, neutrality melting away bit by bit to make room for the crease deepening between Raju's eyebrows. He looks down from Francis' face, over his chest, as if he could see anything there that hadn't been obvious ten minutes ago. "You're sure it's only sore? Strained muscles?"

His hand moves down over Francis' ribcage, trying to find a balance between feeling their alignment there and pressing too hard. But he has to know. "Your ribs aren't..."

[goingtobeunwell]

Crozier knows what he’s feeling for, a bump where it shouldn’t be, a raised or depressed area where his ribs have fractured again. He covers Rama’s hand quickly and shakes his head, wanting to get as far away from that line of thought as possible. “No, nothing’s broken. I wouldn’t be able to move at all if that were the case, I promise you.”

He tries to ease that concerned look in his eyes with a slow nod; he promises, nothing is broken. He wouldn’t try to hide that from Rama.

He inhales softly, partially because he’d been holding his breath as Rama touched his chest, but mostly just to prove that he can still. It doesn’t ache, at least not terribly. “It feels like I overworked myself yesterday.”

[load_aim_shoot]

Raju holds his gaze while Francis gives him that slow nod. He could insist on checking, Francis had been trying to hide it earlier—

But Francis' manner is completely different now. And Francis isn't a child. He has to know that Raju trusts him. Raju takes a controlled breath and nods, and then nods a few more times, eyes roaming over Francis before he looks down, away, and leans back a little. He thinks over yesterday, with a very different eye this time to the way he's been thinking over it before.

"We didn't..." He stops himself, jaw tightening, frustrated. We didn't even do very much isn't the right way to think of it. Is, probably, the reason Francis feels this way now. He looks at Francis' face again, frowning, hand around Francis' a little tighter. "I should have been more careful. More gentle with you. I should have known better."

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He glances away. They didn’t…

He could guess what he was about to say next. He’s grateful that he doesn’t, that he seems to pause and rephrase his thought, but what next comes out of his mouth is the exact reason he tried to hide it in the first place.

“I wanted it too, Rama,” he tells him firmly. He made his decision then knowing the risk. Even if his judgement was a little clouded at the time, he still would have wanted it. “You’re not to blame for this.”

[load_aim_shoot]

Raju’s frown deepens. “I could have…” he insists, then pauses as he searches for a way to end the sentence. It’s true anyway, even before he figures out the details of what exactly he could have done. “Done more of it. Made things easier for you. I know you’re still healing. I could have… I don’t know.”

He shakes his head, gaze drawn to Francis’ chest again, sounding frustrated. “Done something differently and spared you this. You’ve spent enough time in pain already.”

[goingtobeunwell]

“It’s a sprain,” he argues, “I did too much too soon. Please, don’t blame yourself.”

He thinks about reaching for his hand again, but he wants Rama to know how much he means it: he’s not solely to blame for the state of Crozier’s body. It takes two, doesn’t it? So his hand finds Rama’s neck, holding him steady as he meets his gaze with something quietly stern in his own.

“I would have known if something was wrong in the moment, and I would have stopped.”

[load_aim_shoot]

Francis is asking Raju to trust him, to trust his judgment; Raju nods automatically, then keeps meeting that stern gaze for a long moment, trying to work something out.

It’s a strain. Bruises and muscles. Things that heal. Things Raju himself has worked through. Francis is telling him it isn’t serious enough to worry over, and Francis is a man who Raju respects and trusts, and so Raju should accept it. If any other man told him the same Raju would accept it, and doing it wouldn’t be this hard.

But if Seetha said it to him, he wouldn’t take her at her word, would he? Not in the same way. Seetha is his responsibility. Keeping her safe is his responsibility. And Francis…

“I know,” he says belatedly. “I trust you. But it…” He sets his hand on Francis’ knee, frowning at it for a moment before looking into Francis’ eyes again, like looking into the river. “You’re my responsibility. I know you can fend for yourself, but I’ve never loved a man like this before, and I can’t do it any other way. I should have been looking out for you.”

[goingtobeunwell]

Crozier frowns softly, though he does understand. This isn’t just one friend reassuring the other and promising to be more careful the next go around, it’s different now. Isn’t it? He has to think if things were reversed how he’d feel - if it were Sophia he’d beat himself up for failing to protect her. If were Rama…yes, he’d probably feel the same way there as well.

He nods softly. He doesn’t know any other way to love, and neither does Crozier. His fingers rub against the back of his neck sympathetically. “Don’t spend too much time beating yourself up over this,” he tells him quietly. “Let’s take it as something to be cautious about in the future.”

He hopes that says enough. He doesn’t want Rama to start treating him like he’s made of glass.

[load_aim_shoot]

"Cautious?" Raju sounds a little doubtful, not certain how he feels about the word. He can't seem to stop studying Francis' body; he wishes it were for a more pleasant reason. "I thought I was."

He runs his hand down Francis' ribs again, very gently this time, barely brushing his shirt. "I just..."

He sighs. It doesn't matter. Francis is tired of being in pain, too. "Snow and warm rocks," he says in a stronger, more businesslike tone, fingertips lingering over Francis' side. "Those should help until this passes. Do you think you'll be able to eat?"

[goingtobeunwell]

It’s just as he feared. They had been cautious, Rama had been so careful with him and yet this still happened. He’s going to blame himself, and Crozier can’t stop him.

He frowns and follows Rama’s line of sight down to his chest. No new bruises, nothing that wasn’t there the morning before. “I can eat, it’s just discomfort when I’m seated,” he says, finally relenting to the care he’s going to receive now. Worry worry worry, always the worry. What he wouldn’t give to be whole again.

He pulls his hand back from Rama’s neck with a fond little touch to his cheek.

[load_aim_shoot]

At the touch to his cheek Raju looks up, sighs out just a little of his tension, finds his lips curling with just a little bit of a smile. Francis might not have touched him so freely this way just yesterday, and he realises all at once that he's been missing it. Or something like missing. Can he miss something Francis has barely even made a habit of doing yet?

It's something. It doesn't change the fact that Raju's hurt him, and Raju's expression doesn't lift very much. Then he smells—

He rushes over to the fire, grasps the rag wrapped around the pan, pulls it close and grimaces, wedging the corner of the spatula between the burnt bottom of the fish and the pan. "You can eat, but you might not want to," he complains, frustrated, and then starts muttering to himself. "Could cover it up with berries, but that might be a waste..."

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Oh hell, the food! He grasps the armrest and leans himself forward slightly, looking through the smoke at Rama holding a very sorry-looking pan of fish. He sighs quietly.

“Keep it for bait,” he mutters, pressing his hand against his ribs and sitting back again. “We’ll eat from one of the tins tonight.”

His emergency-beyond-emergency stores, the things he’d found in some of the homes on the outskirts a while ago. He’s reluctant to eat from them only from his own poor history with canned food, but they’re modern and haven’t hurt anyone yet. He can push through the discomfort.

“Don’t beat yourself up over it,” he adds, offering Rama a soft smile. He’d distracted him away from the task at hand, it’s his fault their supper burned.

[load_aim_shoot]

Francis' soft smile gets a hard breath and a firming of Raju's jaw as he looks back down at the food. He's pushed and pushed for excellence in everything and it's set him apart, set him to accomplish all manner of impossible things. Things impossible for anyone else but him. How to speak and stand and dress and run and fight and think—

But not this small, essential thing. Not feeding a man who's too sore now to even sit forward without pain, let alone cook for himself. Not making sure that Francis doesn't get so sore in the first place, that he heals well, that he doesn't have to shove down memories of being slowly poisoned to have his meal just because Raju couldn't manage a fish.

"There's enough here for you," he declares, stubborn, as he pokes the spatula at it. "Half of each are still edible on the top side. I have berries and the tea, and some of that dried fish if I'm hungry later. Or a tin if I need it. You can have fish."

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Rama told him it would be this way - just a few moments ago, in fact. He is going to do everything in his power to take care of him, apparently including eating dried fish and tins so Crozier can have the fresh fish. Fighting it wouldn’t change his mind: this is how he loves.

Crozier nods softly in agreement. He’ll have the fish and Rama can find something else. He needs to learn to be cared for in this manner, at least until he can do the same himself.

“At least come sit with me whilst I eat.” A small but reasonable demand.

[load_aim_shoot]

Raju looks up from the pan, for a second or two visibly surprised. For all Seetha's streak of stubborn insistence that she knew best had softened around its edges as she'd gotten older it had never gone away, particularly not in private. Raju only realises he'd been expecting to have to push to give Francis the meal that he should be able to provide when he doesn't.

It isn't as good as being able to cook this properly would have been, but this way at least Raju can give him something. Not tins. Not feeling the way that Francis does about them. So it's easier to smile at Francis a little now, knowing he can take care of Francis in this one way and that Francis is going to let him. Raju does smile for a moment, nods, then he turns his attention back to separating the worst parts of the fish and pushing the rest onto a plate, pouring the tea, bringing it all over. During those first days after, once Francis was well enough to eat but not well enough for too much more than that, it'd been easier to use a piece of wood as a tray to put the food on his lap, with a hole cut the right size to at least keep the cup from tipping too far in one direction or the other. Raju is glad for it now, and glad he hasn't bothered to move it from its spot against the wall so it's still close.

"I'll pay more attention to it next time," he says, setting the tray on Francis' lap and putting everything in place. There's something in being so close to Francis now; thinking more about just what that something is can wait until the more important things are done. "Or make something different. I found a book on foraging that looks promising but I haven't looked at it properly yet."

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Ah, the plank of wood merges. He sighs a little to see it but says nothing, merely accepts his meal and the hot beverage with a grateful smile. Because for all of his complaining about being invalided all over again, he’s exceedingly grateful for Rama in everything he has done and will do.

“It’s a hot meal, I’ll never be upset when offered a hot meal,” he reassures him, reaching for the cup of tea first to let the fish cool off from being molten lava.

“You’ll surprise yourself yet, with all this foraging and hunting,” he adds after his first sip. It makes things feel oddly better, and he smiles a little more happily towards Rama. “Master this wilderness yet.”

[load_aim_shoot]

Easier still to return Francis' smile, watching him drink, and Raju settles onto the arm of the chair as he does it. He could sit some place else, but this is closer. And Francis' hair is closer; it's less that Raju makes the decision to run his hand over Francis' forehead, pushing back his hair, and more that his hand is drawn to it and drifts that way on its own. Raju's sigh is slow and satisfied, hand lingering on Francis' head as Raju feels a little bit more of the tension running out from him. He himself wouldn't have touched Francis this way yesterday, either. Not so freely, anyway. Not for no reason. He wonders how he'd managed without it.

"But it's so slow, all of it," he complains, watching Francis. "At least the fishing you know where you're going and what you're going to be doing once you're there. But I never know where the greens are going to be. Looking always feels like wasting time."

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Crozier only has the one hand to do anything with, but he has a second arm that easily leans on top of Rama’s lap. The vantage point is lovely too, he can turn his head and look up into his pretty eyes while he drinks his tea, wishing silently to have his hair touched once more.

“It only feels like it when you come home empty handed, but you’re mapping things out as you go. It’s just how things are.” He smiles sympathetically. “I know, you’d much prefer something a little more exciting. I appreciate your efforts, Rama.”