“Oh, you don’t want that,” he laughs, ruffling Raju’s wet hair a little. It sticks out of place for a second, making him think of when Raju first wakes in the morning, woke up this very morning that way in fact, in his arms tucked in close to him-
A song actually seems very appropriate right now. “When you’re covering your ears and asking for mercy remember that you wanted this.”
He doesn’t have the worst singing voice, but it certainly didn’t get him invited to sing in any choirs. It’s passable. Humming is far a more appropriate musical venture. “I’ve been a wild rover for many's the year and I've spent all me money on whiskey and beer…”
The chorus, of course, is always the most diverting part of any song, especially a drinking song meant to be sung at the top of one’s lungs in a pub. “And it’s no, nay, never - no nay never no more will I play the wild rover, no nay never no more!”
He pauses the tune briefly to chuckle under his breath. “You need to sign that part with me next time, Raju.”
He takes a breath and continues. It’s difficult not to feel a certain amount of homesickness for a place that was never his own when singing one of its songs. “I went to an alehouse I used to frequent
I told the landlady my money was spent. I ask her for credit, she answered me nay, such a custom as yours I can have any day…” And then pauses to nod at him. “And it’s no nay never…”
There'd been a time in Raju's life when he'd had to actively discourage people from ruffling up his hair like that. Stronger pomade had helped. When had he forgotten that it felt good?
The thought is brief, and not nearly as important as the way Francis looks while he does it, when he laughs, and the way that he sounds when he sings. It's a simple tune — a drinking song, he'd said, so that makes sense — and the simplicity suits Francis' voice well. Raju stares up at him, fascinated, smile openmouthed but faint like he's forgotten about it and then spreading wide and delighted when Francis invites him to join in.
"No nay never, no more," he starts, quiet and flattening out the notes a little to make sure he doesn't sound too terrible over the unfamiliar tune. His voice hasn't ever seemed too bad, steady and clear enough, but he hasn't done much singing at all, and isn't sure how he might sound. At the same time, though, it's impossible to worry about it at all; Francis is singing, the first time Raju's really heard his voice this way, and looking down at him, and he thinks he could do anything wrong right now and Francis wouldn't mind it at all. When he goes onto the rest his voice is just a little less cautious, a little bit louder.
"Will I play the wild rover, no nay never no more," he finishes, smiling, The hand on Francis' leg rubs at it appreciatively, excited to sing together with Francis for a moment, and his hand on Francis' other arm squeezes.
He can’t remember the last time he’s sung with somebody else. Christmas with the Rosses before the trip to Antarctica? He always hated parlor games, so he can’t imagine he indulged that way.
He used to listen to the men singing in their bunks at the end of the day, or whilst on deck or hanging in the rigging. They’d sing with the officers during Sunday services, Sir John leading with a big, booming baritone. He’d listen, but never join. He’d never wanted to before now. Before this very moment he didn’t, couldn’t understand what could possibly be so diverting about singing with somebody else.
He smiles again and smooths Raju’s hair back into the neat swoop that he typically prefers. He wants to focus on just how much he liked singing with him, not on the fact that Raju’s staring at him like he’s some kind of marvel. He’d never - he isn’t, but Raju thinks… His attention meanders to his lips and he wonders briefly what they’d feel like on his, if they’d be soft and pliant or chapped and a little rough -
And then jump quickly back to his hair innocently, as though he hadn’t just tempted himself like that. God. If Raju knew.
“You’re a natural,” he says, quiet huff of a laugh through his nose. “Irish in your heart.”
Raju lets out a pleased little huff, looking flattered. Irish in your heart wouldn't have meant too much to him before meeting Francis, but something about hearing him say it is a thrill now.
"You weren't honest with me though, Francis," he grins. "You told me I was going to hear you singing and beg for mercy, but I didn't want to beg you even once. You have a fine voice for singing. In fact I wouldn't mind hearing it more often. Not what I was promised at all."
“I guess I’m not a man of my word anymore,” he sighs, very clearly (and playfully) exasperated.
He folds the towel around Raju’s head and starts drying out the strands with little squeezes to his hair. The rest he’ll let Raju handle, though he’ll be sad to part from him.
“There. Now you can slick it with that pomade or perfume or whatever the hell it was.”
This part feels wonderful, too, so Raju doesn't mind too much when his hand has to slide off Francis' arm so he can start moving the towel around. "I'm saving the pomade," Raju says, not much caring about it or about making his hair look like anything at this particular moment, happy only to still be here in this house, to feel Francis' legs under him and the heat of his body just there, to be talking to him about anything. Once Francis finishes it isn't going to occur to him to sit up, handling the rest or not; there's no tension in his body at all, only relief and that glowing, humming feeling, and he's happy here. "I just have to shape my hair before it dries. It could look worse, I suppose. But I'd have run out of the product by now if I used it every day."
He hasn’t moved away. He hopes Raju doesn’t; it’s so nice to just have him there, to be able to look down at him as he teases him and keep touching his head.
"Mhm." Raju shifts around but only to get a better look at Francis, too relaxed to mind the way the movement messes the hair at the back of his head as he moves against Francis' legs. It gives his reaching arm a better angle, too; he doesn't much care which part of Francis he touches, only wants to be touching something. "I haven't found much more like it anywhere yet, and I might need it someday. Who knows who I might want to impress?"
Oh yes, lots and lots of people to impress out here in the wilderness. Crozier smirks down at him, enjoy the easy conversation between the two of them. This is how it should be, not that visceral, snarling exchange they had not too long ago.
“Grand idea, save it for a wedding, or when Constable Fraser’s crowned King of Milton.”
"God save the constable," Raju snorts, and then smiles up at Francis for a moment, content, thoughtful. "But you're not wrong. There isn't anyone, is there? No one important."
He thinks over that idea. Thinks about the things Francis knows about him now. It's strange. There are things he can say, not just the awful parts but the everyday ones, that he's never really explained to anyone before. Uncle, a little, but not like this, not relaxed and just talking. When Raju goes on it's a little more slowly, charting new waters. "I... used to spend my time off talking to superior officer's sons, their cousins, the women they had their eye on. Involved in their lives. Getting on their good side. You have to look a certain way. But here, it only matters who I'd want to. And you don't care about any of that at all, do you? I could wear anything. I could grow my hair wild and stop brushing it for months and you'd only make fun of me."
"I'd worry about your mental stability, but yes," he laughs. He's finished washing his hair, so now he doesn't have a good excuse for touching him other than 'because he wants to'. Hopefully he won't get called out on it.
"I wouldn't care, no. Not to say I don't have an appreciative eye for beauty, because I certainly do." He loves the beauty of the sea or the ice, the kaleidoscope in the skies during the Aurora, fine paintings and the twinkling of stars in the sky. But he loves a good personality the best - a brave, intelligent, somewhat reckless person to balance out his careful nature.
"Hm." Raju squirms around, turning a little more onto his side to give his neck a different angle to look up at. That makes it easier too, incidentally, to put set a hand on Francis' leg, the other stretched flat on the floor just next to it. "But you don't care much about grooming, I thought. Is there something else you're thinking of when you're looking for beauty, then? Something you like?"
Idle questions. Satisfying questions; he's hungry to know the answer. He wants everything that he can get, and this in particular. He's hungry to know everything there is about Francis, the man who can hear all of Raju's terrible secrets without blinking, the man with his fingers moving over Raju's hair.
"Lord. If I knew we'd be venturing down this path..." he scoffs, very tenderly - yet casually - brushing Raju's hair around his ear to help him set it.
"Just because I say I don't care about meticulous grooming doesn't mean I don't enjoy it. I like a woman with coiffed hair and a pretty frock." He pauses in hesitation, then laughs a little at himself in embarrassment. There are a few other preferences he's accumulated over the year, but if he's too specific he'll admit to his other proclivities. He could pray that Raju doesn't immediately recoil in disgust, or he could keep being vague.
"Expressive eyes, and a smirk. I always did fall quick for a quick wit and a sly smirk. And I...well, I find that hands are very beautiful. I used to hate when they'd be covered with formal gloves. Gloves are for cold weather, not the opera or a dress uniform."
He makes a quiet little noise as he considers what else he appreciates in a person. "Laughter. A real laugh, and a shared joke. And I always did have a soft spot for the impulsively brave."
"Well, that proves my point, doesn't it?" Raju's hand lifts off from Francis' leg just long enough to gesture broadly in the air, then sets itself down again. "None of that's beauty, that's... everything else. The hands are close, I suppose, but all the rest— you're a romantic, Francis."
Raju says it with a grin, pleased with himself like he's caught his friend out. "Grooming and hair and fine clothes are the afterthought, and you're writing odes to wit and laughter and bravery. I suppose it isn't much of a surprise, I should have expected to see that romantic heart in a man like you." The self-satisfaction in Raju's smile is softening with fondness around its edges and his hand rubs its place on Francis' thigh a little, the gesture meant to soften his teasing. Because it is teasing, but it would be terrible if Francis thought Raju didn't see him all the more warmly for it.
“Oh, that’s hardly fair,” he protests, laughing quietly. “How is any of that not beauty?”
He sits back with a little huff. If he said anything else it would be too specific, he’d give himself away,, but he guesses being labeled as a romantic isn’t hurting anything.
“What about you? I bare my soul for you to criticize, the least you could do is tell me what you find beautiful.”
Raju opens his mouth, automatically ready with a usual answer—
—and then he pauses, considering. He can say anything, now. He doesn't have to say anything, so he can tell Francis anything at all.
"I, ah..." He looks down, over Francis' chest and his stomach and away, then back up at Francis' face, and he pauses for a second. "Would it... be so strange if I don't know?" Before he's finished asking he's smiling a little at himself, to get ahead of the answer being 'yes'. Not that Francis would think so, of course, but it is, isn't it?
"Eyes, hair, body? The usual thing, I think. There's never been any reason to pick anything out." Then his smile grows, teasing again, as he shifts around happily against Francis' legs. "Not everyone's going to skip the question and go straight to personality like you."
He chuckles under his breath. They’re both being a little vague now with their answers, but Raju’s never allowed himself to admire pretty things. There would have been no time for it when he was an officer - that would have been too frivolous! Or perhaps it has something to do with his fiancé and waiting to remain faithful.
“Some people don’t know what’s beautiful until they see it, mn?” Lord knows that’s been the case for him. He strictly admired blue eyes once upon a time, liked blonde and copper hair until he saw brunette locks carefully arranged into waves and curls. He admired tall, lithe figures, and then curvy ones, and then those with strong physiques - he’s the last person to have a physical type, but he knows what’s beautiful and what’s not.
“I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being a romantic, do you?”
"Hmm." The sound is low, pleased and warm. "Certainly not. It's just rare. The real way, the way that you do it. It's... poetry is easy. You only have to read the right things, and remember how to say them later. And compliments are easy. But thinking, say... bravery, that that's what beauty is, and really meaning that — bravery, shared jokes — that's rare. You look at someone you find beautiful and you see them. Not just their shape, or the way they've done themselves up."
He shifts to put the hand on Francis' thigh under his jaw, too, propping his head up, and smiles up at Francis, admires him. "It's... good. I know that. You're a good man. You do know it too, don't you?"
"Mm," he says, an agreeing noise, for all it isn't his own thought. He hasn't really developed his own thought on the matter. There are certainly days it seems the opposite. But without an ounce of tension in any of him, with that need to move so quiet, laying here cared for by a man who's proven time and again that Raju can trust him with anything, he doesn't mind agreeing.
"But what makes a man choose to do that work?" Or, agreeing was his first thought, anyway. It isn't what comes out of his mouth. Maybe pushing is too much of a habit by now. He doesn't sound like he's pushing, at least, his voice relaxed and agreeable even if the words aren't. "Where does that come from? Plenty don't. Most never even wonder if they should."
“Lord, that’s an even more difficult question, Raju. No easy answers today, mn?” He laughs and sits back briefly, looking up at the ceiling.
For him it had been a series of choices. He always thought he was a decent man; certainly before the fated expedition he wasn’t a bad man. But he was a sad man, a pathetic man, and he knew he needed to do better.
“I hurt a friend through my actions; that was my turning point. From that day on I knew I had to do better, but it was difficult and I faltered. I still do. But what it takes for each person, I couldn’t possibly say.”
"Mm. Someone needed you." Raju shifts around again, a little more onto his back. It's a little easier — just a little — to stay still at night, when Francis is so near and trying to sleep, and so needs him to be still. It's strange to be so relaxed while not actually tired, not beyond what's already becoming a normal pull at the back of his mind without any daylight to keep track of the night. He bends a leg, moving it back and forth in the air to try and tell the rest of him that it can keep resting. "I imagine that's at the heart of it; whether that matters more to a man than what he wants. You hurt a friend, and you didn't want to do it again. Plenty of men would have stopped thinking about it there."
It helps that the nature of the injury was traumatic. Hearing Thomas scream through the leather strap between his teeth as his leg was sawed off would have haunted the dreams of a stranger, let alone a dear friend.
He shakes his head. This conversation feels so casual, Raju sprawled out in his lap, the two of them laughing and joking. It feels good, even if the conversation's taken on a more philosophical nature now.
"Plenty of men are pricks," he says with a snort. "I've had my fair share of moments, don't mistake me, but I'd like to think my baser instincts are to be civil, if not kind."
Raju makes another one of those relaxed, wordless noises, thinking and still studying Francis, fascinated. The idea of Francis as he is now taking work to be that way is strange. Maybe it shouldn't be, but it is. "What were you like before? It's hard to imagine you anything but kind, the way you are now."
"Oh, yes?" That also sounds so strange to him, only ever being known as this creature. "All you need to do is have a frank conversation with Little or Irving. Gibson will probably tell you, Jopson if he's pressed."
But before that. Before those months in the ice when he'd gotten too ill to think straight.
"I was envious, and bitter," he admits, just a little more quietly than before. "I saw what others had and I wanted it for myself, and it was humiliating to feel that way. I loathed myself for it."
Crozier shakes his head a little. "And then of course there's the melancholy, quieter in my youth but unchecked after Antarctica. As the years ticked by it made me...difficult to be around. So I imagine. Then when I let the whiskey take full hold over me, I was cruel and jaded, and worst of all, indifferent. I'm certain you would have loathed me."
He's still surprised that Blanky and Jopson had stayed so loyal when he'd been nothing but abusive to them both during the worst of it.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2024-06-15 12:16 pm (UTC)“Oh, you don’t want that,” he laughs, ruffling Raju’s wet hair a little. It sticks out of place for a second, making him think of when Raju first wakes in the morning, woke up this very morning that way in fact, in his arms tucked in close to him-
A song actually seems very appropriate right now. “When you’re covering your ears and asking for mercy remember that you wanted this.”
He doesn’t have the worst singing voice, but it certainly didn’t get him invited to sing in any choirs. It’s passable. Humming is far a more appropriate musical venture. “I’ve been a wild rover for many's the year and I've spent all me money on whiskey and beer…”
The chorus, of course, is always the most diverting part of any song, especially a drinking song meant to be sung at the top of one’s lungs in a pub. “And it’s no, nay, never - no nay never no more will I play the wild rover, no nay never no more!”
He pauses the tune briefly to chuckle under his breath. “You need to sign that part with me next time, Raju.”
He takes a breath and continues. It’s difficult not to feel a certain amount of homesickness for a place that was never his own when singing one of its songs. “I went to an alehouse I used to frequent I told the landlady my money was spent. I ask her for credit, she answered me nay, such a custom as yours I can have any day…” And then pauses to nod at him. “And it’s no nay never…”
no subject
Date: 2024-06-15 01:57 pm (UTC)The thought is brief, and not nearly as important as the way Francis looks while he does it, when he laughs, and the way that he sounds when he sings. It's a simple tune — a drinking song, he'd said, so that makes sense — and the simplicity suits Francis' voice well. Raju stares up at him, fascinated, smile openmouthed but faint like he's forgotten about it and then spreading wide and delighted when Francis invites him to join in.
"No nay never, no more," he starts, quiet and flattening out the notes a little to make sure he doesn't sound too terrible over the unfamiliar tune. His voice hasn't ever seemed too bad, steady and clear enough, but he hasn't done much singing at all, and isn't sure how he might sound. At the same time, though, it's impossible to worry about it at all; Francis is singing, the first time Raju's really heard his voice this way, and looking down at him, and he thinks he could do anything wrong right now and Francis wouldn't mind it at all. When he goes onto the rest his voice is just a little less cautious, a little bit louder.
"Will I play the wild rover, no nay never no more," he finishes, smiling, The hand on Francis' leg rubs at it appreciatively, excited to sing together with Francis for a moment, and his hand on Francis' other arm squeezes.
no subject
Date: 2024-06-15 03:53 pm (UTC)He can’t remember the last time he’s sung with somebody else. Christmas with the Rosses before the trip to Antarctica? He always hated parlor games, so he can’t imagine he indulged that way.
He used to listen to the men singing in their bunks at the end of the day, or whilst on deck or hanging in the rigging. They’d sing with the officers during Sunday services, Sir John leading with a big, booming baritone. He’d listen, but never join. He’d never wanted to before now. Before this very moment he didn’t, couldn’t understand what could possibly be so diverting about singing with somebody else.
He smiles again and smooths Raju’s hair back into the neat swoop that he typically prefers. He wants to focus on just how much he liked singing with him, not on the fact that Raju’s staring at him like he’s some kind of marvel. He’d never - he isn’t, but Raju thinks… His attention meanders to his lips and he wonders briefly what they’d feel like on his, if they’d be soft and pliant or chapped and a little rough -
And then jump quickly back to his hair innocently, as though he hadn’t just tempted himself like that. God. If Raju knew.
“You’re a natural,” he says, quiet huff of a laugh through his nose. “Irish in your heart.”
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Date: 2024-06-15 04:26 pm (UTC)"You weren't honest with me though, Francis," he grins. "You told me I was going to hear you singing and beg for mercy, but I didn't want to beg you even once. You have a fine voice for singing. In fact I wouldn't mind hearing it more often. Not what I was promised at all."
no subject
Date: 2024-06-15 05:15 pm (UTC)“I guess I’m not a man of my word anymore,” he sighs, very clearly (and playfully) exasperated.
He folds the towel around Raju’s head and starts drying out the strands with little squeezes to his hair. The rest he’ll let Raju handle, though he’ll be sad to part from him.
“There. Now you can slick it with that pomade or perfume or whatever the hell it was.”
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Date: 2024-06-15 05:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-06-15 07:32 pm (UTC)“Saving the pomade for special occasions?”
He hasn’t moved away. He hopes Raju doesn’t; it’s so nice to just have him there, to be able to look down at him as he teases him and keep touching his head.
no subject
Date: 2024-06-15 09:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-06-15 11:42 pm (UTC)Oh yes, lots and lots of people to impress out here in the wilderness. Crozier smirks down at him, enjoy the easy conversation between the two of them. This is how it should be, not that visceral, snarling exchange they had not too long ago.
“Grand idea, save it for a wedding, or when Constable Fraser’s crowned King of Milton.”
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Date: 2024-06-16 02:01 am (UTC)He thinks over that idea. Thinks about the things Francis knows about him now. It's strange. There are things he can say, not just the awful parts but the everyday ones, that he's never really explained to anyone before. Uncle, a little, but not like this, not relaxed and just talking. When Raju goes on it's a little more slowly, charting new waters. "I... used to spend my time off talking to superior officer's sons, their cousins, the women they had their eye on. Involved in their lives. Getting on their good side. You have to look a certain way. But here, it only matters who I'd want to. And you don't care about any of that at all, do you? I could wear anything. I could grow my hair wild and stop brushing it for months and you'd only make fun of me."
no subject
Date: 2024-06-16 02:45 am (UTC)"I'd worry about your mental stability, but yes," he laughs. He's finished washing his hair, so now he doesn't have a good excuse for touching him other than 'because he wants to'. Hopefully he won't get called out on it.
"I wouldn't care, no. Not to say I don't have an appreciative eye for beauty, because I certainly do." He loves the beauty of the sea or the ice, the kaleidoscope in the skies during the Aurora, fine paintings and the twinkling of stars in the sky. But he loves a good personality the best - a brave, intelligent, somewhat reckless person to balance out his careful nature.
no subject
Date: 2024-06-16 03:21 am (UTC)Idle questions. Satisfying questions; he's hungry to know the answer. He wants everything that he can get, and this in particular. He's hungry to know everything there is about Francis, the man who can hear all of Raju's terrible secrets without blinking, the man with his fingers moving over Raju's hair.
no subject
Date: 2024-06-16 04:10 am (UTC)"Lord. If I knew we'd be venturing down this path..." he scoffs, very tenderly - yet casually - brushing Raju's hair around his ear to help him set it.
"Just because I say I don't care about meticulous grooming doesn't mean I don't enjoy it. I like a woman with coiffed hair and a pretty frock." He pauses in hesitation, then laughs a little at himself in embarrassment. There are a few other preferences he's accumulated over the year, but if he's too specific he'll admit to his other proclivities. He could pray that Raju doesn't immediately recoil in disgust, or he could keep being vague.
"Expressive eyes, and a smirk. I always did fall quick for a quick wit and a sly smirk. And I...well, I find that hands are very beautiful. I used to hate when they'd be covered with formal gloves. Gloves are for cold weather, not the opera or a dress uniform."
He makes a quiet little noise as he considers what else he appreciates in a person. "Laughter. A real laugh, and a shared joke. And I always did have a soft spot for the impulsively brave."
no subject
Date: 2024-06-16 01:59 pm (UTC)Raju says it with a grin, pleased with himself like he's caught his friend out. "Grooming and hair and fine clothes are the afterthought, and you're writing odes to wit and laughter and bravery. I suppose it isn't much of a surprise, I should have expected to see that romantic heart in a man like you." The self-satisfaction in Raju's smile is softening with fondness around its edges and his hand rubs its place on Francis' thigh a little, the gesture meant to soften his teasing. Because it is teasing, but it would be terrible if Francis thought Raju didn't see him all the more warmly for it.
no subject
Date: 2024-06-16 02:31 pm (UTC)“Oh, that’s hardly fair,” he protests, laughing quietly. “How is any of that not beauty?”
He sits back with a little huff. If he said anything else it would be too specific, he’d give himself away,, but he guesses being labeled as a romantic isn’t hurting anything.
“What about you? I bare my soul for you to criticize, the least you could do is tell me what you find beautiful.”
no subject
Date: 2024-06-16 04:31 pm (UTC)—and then he pauses, considering. He can say anything, now. He doesn't have to say anything, so he can tell Francis anything at all.
"I, ah..." He looks down, over Francis' chest and his stomach and away, then back up at Francis' face, and he pauses for a second. "Would it... be so strange if I don't know?" Before he's finished asking he's smiling a little at himself, to get ahead of the answer being 'yes'. Not that Francis would think so, of course, but it is, isn't it?
"Eyes, hair, body? The usual thing, I think. There's never been any reason to pick anything out." Then his smile grows, teasing again, as he shifts around happily against Francis' legs. "Not everyone's going to skip the question and go straight to personality like you."
no subject
Date: 2024-06-16 08:04 pm (UTC)He chuckles under his breath. They’re both being a little vague now with their answers, but Raju’s never allowed himself to admire pretty things. There would have been no time for it when he was an officer - that would have been too frivolous! Or perhaps it has something to do with his fiancé and waiting to remain faithful.
“Some people don’t know what’s beautiful until they see it, mn?” Lord knows that’s been the case for him. He strictly admired blue eyes once upon a time, liked blonde and copper hair until he saw brunette locks carefully arranged into waves and curls. He admired tall, lithe figures, and then curvy ones, and then those with strong physiques - he’s the last person to have a physical type, but he knows what’s beautiful and what’s not.
“I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being a romantic, do you?”
no subject
Date: 2024-06-16 08:52 pm (UTC)He shifts to put the hand on Francis' thigh under his jaw, too, propping his head up, and smiles up at Francis, admires him. "It's... good. I know that. You're a good man. You do know it too, don't you?"
no subject
Date: 2024-06-16 10:24 pm (UTC)He smiles warmly, albeit a touch bashfully at being looked at so closely. Truly looked at, seen like he’d seen others, like he’d seen Raju.
“It takes some reminding,” he tells him honestly. “And work. No man is innately good, or wakes knowing they’re good or decent.”
no subject
Date: 2024-06-16 11:48 pm (UTC)"But what makes a man choose to do that work?" Or, agreeing was his first thought, anyway. It isn't what comes out of his mouth. Maybe pushing is too much of a habit by now. He doesn't sound like he's pushing, at least, his voice relaxed and agreeable even if the words aren't. "Where does that come from? Plenty don't. Most never even wonder if they should."
no subject
Date: 2024-06-17 12:41 am (UTC)“Lord, that’s an even more difficult question, Raju. No easy answers today, mn?” He laughs and sits back briefly, looking up at the ceiling.
For him it had been a series of choices. He always thought he was a decent man; certainly before the fated expedition he wasn’t a bad man. But he was a sad man, a pathetic man, and he knew he needed to do better.
“I hurt a friend through my actions; that was my turning point. From that day on I knew I had to do better, but it was difficult and I faltered. I still do. But what it takes for each person, I couldn’t possibly say.”
no subject
Date: 2024-06-17 01:51 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-06-17 02:44 am (UTC)It helps that the nature of the injury was traumatic. Hearing Thomas scream through the leather strap between his teeth as his leg was sawed off would have haunted the dreams of a stranger, let alone a dear friend.
He shakes his head. This conversation feels so casual, Raju sprawled out in his lap, the two of them laughing and joking. It feels good, even if the conversation's taken on a more philosophical nature now.
"Plenty of men are pricks," he says with a snort. "I've had my fair share of moments, don't mistake me, but I'd like to think my baser instincts are to be civil, if not kind."
no subject
Date: 2024-06-17 12:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-06-17 03:09 pm (UTC)"Oh, yes?" That also sounds so strange to him, only ever being known as this creature. "All you need to do is have a frank conversation with Little or Irving. Gibson will probably tell you, Jopson if he's pressed."
But before that. Before those months in the ice when he'd gotten too ill to think straight.
"I was envious, and bitter," he admits, just a little more quietly than before. "I saw what others had and I wanted it for myself, and it was humiliating to feel that way. I loathed myself for it."
Crozier shakes his head a little. "And then of course there's the melancholy, quieter in my youth but unchecked after Antarctica. As the years ticked by it made me...difficult to be around. So I imagine. Then when I let the whiskey take full hold over me, I was cruel and jaded, and worst of all, indifferent. I'm certain you would have loathed me."
He's still surprised that Blanky and Jopson had stayed so loyal when he'd been nothing but abusive to them both during the worst of it.
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