goingtobeunwell | IC Inbox

goingtobeunwell

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From:

goingtobeunwell

I imagine we'd be here all night. [And not in the fun way.]

From:

riseunparalleled

Mm. Without anything useful to show for it. It's better to be here.

From:

goingtobeunwell

[He nods and sets his empty cup down onto the table.] All limbs accounted for.

From:

riseunparalleled

[He laughs a little.] All of mine... But after all this time, it would've been a bit embarrassing to have finally lost track of one.

From:

goingtobeunwell

Oh, you would have never lived it down.

From:

riseunparalleled

I'd expect you to mention it at least every few weeks. At minimum.

From:

goingtobeunwell

Oh, you over-estimate my ability to be a good person. Every other day at least.

From:

riseunparalleled

Only your free time. You keep yourself busy, I wouldn't presume to claim so much.

From:

goingtobeunwell

But I always make time for you.

From:

riseunparalleled

Mm. I suppose then that I would just have to make sure, every other day.

From:

goingtobeunwell

[He laughs softly.]

Mn. [Crozier glances Xie Lian's way.] You seem lighter, somehow.

From:

riseunparalleled

I'm not dead. We appear to have a temporary reprieve. [That seems like it covers reasons to let go of a few worries.]

From:

goingtobeunwell

Temporary being the key word here.

[He reaches for another apple slice.]

Perhaps the Admiral will take us somewhere lovely for a change.

From:

riseunparalleled

Life, practically be definition, is just a string of temporary moments. That's why it's best when you can enjoy them.

[He grins, taking an apple slice, too.] I'm willing to believe in him, until given proof otherwise.

From:

goingtobeunwell

As am I. Especially after all the Hell raised by us on his behalf.

[He takes a bite and uses the natural pause in the conversation to think.]

Is being with me something that you want, Xie Lian?

From:

riseunparalleled

Mm. Though people often have reasons for their actions we might not be able to guess at.

[It's hard to shake his gentle suspicion, even as, at the same time, he does think the Admiral means the best for them. His memories of what it had been like to be connected to the ship adds an extra layer of awareness of how different their experiences of living in the universe are.

The question, on the other hand, gets more straightforward bafflement.]

Yes? [He doesn't say 'obviously', because, well, that doesn't seem polite. But still leaves in a little of the confusion of what Crozier would even ask. After all, he had been the one to offer the invitation for tea.]

From:

goingtobeunwell

[The 'obviously' doesn't need to be said in order to Crozier to hear it. He laughs quietly.]

I don't need reassurance, I promise. I'm just thinking about what we each gain from this, and what we each need.

From:

riseunparalleled

[Tea? Apples? He's starting to suspect that Crozier might not have meant 'being with me' in the direct sense of 'right here and now'. Slightly embarrassing confusion, perhaps, but he's also still not sure what Crozier wants so this doesn't seem like a bad path.]

What is it you need?

From:

goingtobeunwell

Fair question. I need...[How to put this delicately.]

I want to be loved. I need affection. I like physical affection, and at times I crave it, but it isn't the end-all-and-be-all of what makes a relationship.

From:

riseunparalleled

[He listens, attentively. In terms of physical affection - well, some of the limits there have already been established, though Xie Lian thinks there are some ways he might at least offer a bit more closeness. As for the rest...]

I don't know much about relationships, but I think that if that isn't considered very reasonable, there are problems with how people define relationships. [Move towards the more personal, he rubs his neck, awkwardly.] There are some words that I've heard used in questionable circumstances so often that they feel cheap, when saying that I care for you very deeply allows for honesty. For a lot of things... I might not be enough. And I don't want you to be unhappy. But there are also things I truly will have simply not thought of unless you say something, even though I try to looking things up... [He shifts, awkward again.] I understand if that's not enough, or asking too much of you.

From:

goingtobeunwell

[Crozier's face does fall, ever-so-slightly. He doesn't allow it to linger for very long.]

I...understand. [He always knew there were going to be hard limits.]

Perhaps...perhaps it is not enough. I won't lie to you, though it might be significant that you never use those words you find questionable, they are meaningful for me. Having to second-guess constantly, never feeling equal in affection...it sounds like misery to me.

From:

riseunparalleled

[He nods. It seems a more than reasonable stance. Though it feels important to clear up one possible misinterpretation, not because it might make it better but because Crozier deserves his honesty.]

When it comes to words, it's not a matter of some, ah, moral stance? I'm willing to say plenty that I find questionable, if necessary. It's more that I worry that a failure of sincerity or true feeling in something that's important to you wouldn't exactly help with second-guessing.

[If he thought he could say 'I love you' without dragging in a complicated history that isn't Crozier's fault or about him, then it wouldn't be a problem.]

From:

goingtobeunwell

That is my greatest worry. That I'll come to love you, but you cannot love me. Whatever I feel won't be matched, and in the end this will be one-sided.

[He can't meet his eyes.]

I don't think it's healthy for me.

From:

riseunparalleled

I don't know what's healthy or not, but I do know that you deserve better.

[His conviction that Crozier deserves only the best is something he can say with full certainty.]

And it's something I don't have an answer for you. It's not like, ah, certain things, where I can say that's something I can or can't do. [He might not have been able figure out a response in words to the question about kissing without prompting, but that was about having no idea how to talk about it, not lack of answer.] I don't know, and I know that's not much to offer in anny situation.

From:

goingtobeunwell

Ah. [He frowns.] I suppose…that might be that then.

[He exhales softly.] Let’s return to friendship then. No further expectations, no more awkwardness.