Toby. Dorian's face shifts to a gentle smile as he thinks about his lover. When he speaks, it's with all the gentleness and love in the world.
"He's older than I am and yet he can be so childish sometimes. There was one Christmas where I was completely hung-over and yet he had no sympathy for my poor head and spent the entire morning with his Playstation." Like Crozier knows what a Playstation is, though. Dorian ignores that and continues to talk. "He can be so petty at times—there was one time when one of his old friends came to see me for something instead of him and he sulked for at least half an hour. And yet, he knows exactly how to interest and tease me. My time with him was the happiest I've ever been."
"Some love too little, some too long," Dorian muses. There's a pause as he frowns, looking down at his hands, before quietly admitting,
"Is it terrible that my deal isn't to bring him back? It could have been. I could have asked the Admiral to revive Toby as he was. But if I brought him back, I might end up losing him all again."
Losing your loved one twice is a misfortune. Losing him three times...Dorian honestly doesn't know if he would be able to stand it.
It's a good thing then that you died before it got worse, he thinks but doesn't say. Dorian knows what happened at the end of the Franklin Expedition. Dorian knows how terrible things were.
(Dorian also doesn't know that things are gonna get worse for Crozier but hey, that's not his fault!)
"In that case, I hope you never know this sort of pain. It's survivable, of course—and not just for me, it's survivable for everyone. But it stays with you, like something sticky on the heel of your shoe."
And Dorian takes a little punt and continues with, "And I'm sorry that you're currently coping with some pain. It's not like mine, I can see that much. But I'd be a fool not to recognize melancholy."
"Still, some days are worse than others, aren't they." It's obvious Dorian's speaking from experience.
There's a pause before he admits, "In my worse days, after Toby died, I killed myself. Popped right back up again, of course. And then I did it again the next day. It became a bit of a game: what unique ways could I off myself, just so I could feel something instead of crushing despair?"
Crozier can't raise his eyes, ashamed that Dorian would see his own thoughts reflected in his face. He's considered doing exactly that -- at least here on the Barge he would have a few days of rest in between the bleakness.
"I got myself out of the house. Even if it was just to go to the bar for an hour or so, I got myself out there. And while I was there, I found someone interesting. Someone who enticed me, who interested me, and who basically lit a fire under my ass to help pull me out of my funk."
A pause before, "Granted, her flirting with me was just a cover so she could try to murder me and steal my portrait. But that also lit a fire under my ass in a different way. I found a new drive, something to capture my attention, and a new goal to strive for."
That was who Sophia had been to him. When James Clark Ross returned home from Antarctica to marry his bride, Crozier had taken solace in the fact that Sophia was interested in him. She'd wanted him, and even though she'd rejected him once there was still hope. She still liked being with him, flirting with him, playing coy. She was still his friend.
He sips his tea and sets his mug back down. "I'm out and about now, aren't I?"
"You're out and about but I don't think you're out of the woods. After all, I highly doubt someone truly out of the woods would create a hell dimension populated by the ghost of their own ship and the corpses of people's loved ones."
Dorian raises an eyebrow. "You're going to have to talk about it with someone," he points out. "Better you talk about it with someone who actually knows what you've been through than some well-meaning yet bloody clueless warden."
"I don't mean to offend," he says, though yes, he absolutely had meant to offend. "But I'm not here to discuss this. If you're going to press, I'm going to leave."
"Tomorrow then. Like I said, you're going to have to talk about this. And I'm one of the only ones who've got even the slightest clue on what you've got going on."
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2022-01-26 05:57 pm (UTC)"He's older than I am and yet he can be so childish sometimes. There was one Christmas where I was completely hung-over and yet he had no sympathy for my poor head and spent the entire morning with his Playstation." Like Crozier knows what a Playstation is, though. Dorian ignores that and continues to talk. "He can be so petty at times—there was one time when one of his old friends came to see me for something instead of him and he sulked for at least half an hour. And yet, he knows exactly how to interest and tease me. My time with him was the happiest I've ever been."
no subject
Date: 2022-01-26 11:55 pm (UTC)"You're fortunate," he says quietly. "To have experienced such bliss, if only for a brief moment of time."
no subject
Date: 2022-01-27 03:37 am (UTC)"Is it terrible that my deal isn't to bring him back? It could have been. I could have asked the Admiral to revive Toby as he was. But if I brought him back, I might end up losing him all again."
Losing your loved one twice is a misfortune. Losing him three times...Dorian honestly doesn't know if he would be able to stand it.
no subject
Date: 2022-01-27 12:23 pm (UTC)"I'm not sure," he replies honestly. "That's something I've never known. I cannot imagine that kind of pain."
no subject
Date: 2022-01-27 04:17 pm (UTC)(Dorian also doesn't know that things are gonna get worse for Crozier but hey, that's not his fault!)
"In that case, I hope you never know this sort of pain. It's survivable, of course—and not just for me, it's survivable for everyone. But it stays with you, like something sticky on the heel of your shoe."
no subject
Date: 2022-01-28 12:07 am (UTC)He really is -- truly, sincerely, he's sorry for the ache left in Dorian's chest by the loss of his loved one.
no subject
Date: 2022-01-28 01:01 am (UTC)And Dorian takes a little punt and continues with, "And I'm sorry that you're currently coping with some pain. It's not like mine, I can see that much. But I'd be a fool not to recognize melancholy."
Or clinical depression. Either/or.
no subject
Date: 2022-01-28 02:03 am (UTC)"Mn. I've always been like this."
cw: talking about suicide
Date: 2022-01-28 02:54 am (UTC)There's a pause before he admits, "In my worse days, after Toby died, I killed myself. Popped right back up again, of course. And then I did it again the next day. It became a bit of a game: what unique ways could I off myself, just so I could feel something instead of crushing despair?"
cw: talking about suicide
Date: 2022-01-28 03:30 am (UTC)Crozier can't raise his eyes, ashamed that Dorian would see his own thoughts reflected in his face. He's considered doing exactly that -- at least here on the Barge he would have a few days of rest in between the bleakness.
no subject
Date: 2022-01-28 03:50 am (UTC)"I wouldn't consider myself 'cured.' I still have bad days. But do you want me to tell you how I got out of my worst bout of melancholy?"
no subject
Date: 2022-01-28 03:57 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-01-28 04:19 am (UTC)A pause before, "Granted, her flirting with me was just a cover so she could try to murder me and steal my portrait. But that also lit a fire under my ass in a different way. I found a new drive, something to capture my attention, and a new goal to strive for."
no subject
Date: 2022-01-28 04:29 am (UTC)He sips his tea and sets his mug back down. "I'm out and about now, aren't I?"
no subject
Date: 2022-01-28 04:34 am (UTC)Dorian then takes a sip of his tea, very much 'but that's none of my business'.
no subject
Date: 2022-01-29 02:37 am (UTC)Crozier sets his cup down with a sharp nod. "Thank you for the tea," he says gruffly.
no subject
Date: 2022-01-29 04:59 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-01-29 05:01 pm (UTC)"I don't mean to offend," he says, though yes, he absolutely had meant to offend. "But I'm not here to discuss this. If you're going to press, I'm going to leave."
no subject
Date: 2022-01-30 12:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-01-30 03:07 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-01-30 05:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-01-30 10:05 pm (UTC)"We'll see," he says, and begins to climb to his feet. He's overstayed his welcome now.