goingtobeunwell

He huffs softly at the little hair ruffle. “It’s quite a change from the rocks of King William Island,” he says, going back to his sweeping. The dust and hair need to finish their journey of getting swept out the front door.

“I don’t know how he’s been. He didn’t look well at the town hall.”

It’s a hard thing to admit. Jopson had been glued to his side, and then one day decided he needed to not see Crozier for a while. It has hurt, but he understood. Jopson doesn’t need to be mired in the past if he can help it.

And that town hall was a while ago — long enough for Francis to be up and sweeping across the room, to be doing it without the slow, pained effort any of those movements would have needed from him before. Raju watches him for a moment, unsure. At home, he'd always expected that he would be involved in the lives of the people at home again, someday, as soon as he was done. But Francis doesn't have that.

"If we start going into town more often, one of us might see him," he offers. It isn't something he's inclined to do for its own sake; it's odd to not be committed to one approach or the other, when every decision in his life up to this place was a calculation, how close this took him to his goal and how far that would move him away. But he's committed to Francis, at least, and he's no stranger to spending time around people he doesn't care for. If doing it might help Francis worry less, then Raju wouldn't mind. "I can keep an eye out for you."

It’s a testament to Ram’s affection for him that he would even offer. He finishes his task and sets the broom aside, crossing the room to set his arm on Rama’s shoulder and then the back of his neck.

“Thank you, but he’s in Lakeside now. If he comes back to Milton…”

He shakes his head softly. “Ah, I don’t know, Rama. I suppose it couldn’t hurt to at least look out.”

Since Francis is so close Raju puts an arm around his back, feeling the sweater under his hand, touch gentle against the chest underneath it. "Then we will," he says, confident, encouraging. He keeps looking at him a moment, then kisses Francis' cheek, because it's right there and he wants to know how it feels now under his lips. Smooth, of course, and warm. He feels the pull to kiss Francis again on those shapely lips this time and resists it, gaze darting over his face, smile crinkling at the corners of his eyes.

The easy affection is novel, but not unwanted. If he’s lucky enough to continue being on the receiving side he just may get used to it, and wouldn’t that be a lovely little life? He smiles and caresses the curve of his neck, happy to just share in this moment with him without wanting for more.

The healing continues as Crozier refuses to jeopardize his health again, even if not touching Rama is so frustrating it’s almost insidious. He can stare all he wants, flirt all he wants, moon and long and admire, but he cannot touch and it’s driving him to distraction. But the happy day comes when Svetlana visits and gives him that final check - his breathing will never be the same, but he’s as fully healed as he’ll ever be. No long fragile or frail, able to walk and work and forage and all the things he’s been itching to do since the fight with Hickey.

He and Ram eat their dinner together and talk about the day, as they usually do, Crozier keeping that one vital detail to himself as they enjoy the fish pie Svetlana delivered earlier that day. They clean up and build the fire and lay the furs for their bed, Crozier doing a little light reading before he dims the lanterns and secures the doors and windows. He crawls into the furs and lays on the side he’s typically occupied, still holding onto his news.

Raju slips into the side opposite, not thinking of anything in particular. There's the usual awareness of Francis, awareness of the distance. There's the usual brief comparison of before, when he'd slept roughly this far away from him without ever considering sleeping closer, to now, when considering it is the only thing that he can do. He thinks of the first night they'd slept next to one another, as close as Raju wants to be, when he hadn't been able to consider anything then but the desperate animal comfort of it.

He doesn't mind not being able to touch the way he wants, not exactly. Or, he doesn't mind minding it. Usually. But the nights are harder. In Delhi there'd been plenty of work to do, and if he only tried hard enough to find it, and did it for long enough, he hadn't needed help falling asleep. Raju sighs, turning onto his side, arm draped over his chest. It's usually at least a little easier if he can look at him. Francis loves him, and wants to be with him— and he's just there, so really, Raju is lucky.

He likes to look at Ram as he’s falling asleep as well, his soft expression and comforting presence enough to usually soothe away the worries of the days. He indulges in this for a moment, looking at Rama in the glow from the fireplace and watching the shadows dance over his skin, before he begins to inch closer.

“Svetlana gave me more than the pie,” he tells him cryptically.

Confusion creases Raju's face. It's an odd time to mention it; they'd talked about the visit earlier, when Francis had explained the food. Unless there was something Francis hadn't wanted to say then, that's easier to say in the dark. Raju props himself up on his elbow, confusion focusing and turning into concern.

"Bad news?" Maybe the pie had been less a gift and more a consolation. Raju tries to catch some kind of clue from Francis' manner. He doesn't seem concerned, at least not yet. Would he? He tries to think whether Francis has ever delivered him bad news on purpose before; Raju doesn't know how he would do it.

“The opposite, in fact.” He won’t let Ram dangle for too long, but he is enjoying the anticipation.

Once close enough he slides his arm around Rama’s waist, urging him closer with a gentle tug. “The good doctor says I’m fully and completely healed.”

Realisation moves just slightly faster than the smile breaking over Raju's face. His gaze moves down, darting here and there over Francis' body and then moving up to his face again, the shock of Francis' news as hot inside him suddenly as the weight of Francis' arm over his waist. He sets a hand on Francis' jaw, hardly lets it brush Francis' skin as it moves over his neck, pausing at the collar. "Completely?"

He takes a moment, enjoying the pressure in his chest and the heat licking at his insides underneath it. "You knew this all day," he goes on, grinning a little too much to quite manage making it an accusation. "And you waited untill now to tell me?"

Crozier starts to laugh, quietly at first, then more loudly as his amusement at himself and Ram’s mild protest builds. It helps too that he can belly laugh now and it doesn’t hurt, nothing hurts, everything feels as it shoulder.

“I did, I’m sorry,” he says through chuckles. He wanted to surprise him, which he thinks he accomplished very nicely. “I wanted to surprise you.”

He slides his arm onto the furs behind Ram, moving forward and pushing him carefully onto his back. He wants to pin him down and kiss him just like he’d been craving all this time.

Francis pushes him onto his back and Raju's smile, the warmth on his face from watching Francis laugh, doesn't exactly disappear but it does fade, surprise and wide-eyed anticipation taking centre stage. He's looking up at Francis in a way he hasn't looked up at any man. The rhythm of things had fallen naturally into place the last two — first two — times that they'd slept together, but with Francis' body whole more possibilities are open to them now, and many of the ones which involve Raju on his back are ones he hadn't considered before this very moment, feeling the floor and blanket beneath his shoulders and looking up at the man who loves him with the same passion with which any man has ever loved his wife.

Here's the more familiar impulse to roll until Francis is beneath him instead. But a man who's had to restrain himself so long as Francis has deserves a little free reign, doesn't he? Certainly one does who Raju trusts this way. Besides, Raju wants to know what Francis is going to do from here. And which part of it is making Raju's heart beat so hard.

His hand hasn't left Francis' collar; two fingers are hooked into it now, pulling it a little away from Raju's chest. His other hand flattens itself against the blanket and pushes, pushing Raju just far enough up to crane his neck and press their lips together.

Crozier surges forward to meet the kiss, groaning softly in the back of his throat as his nose brushes against Ram’s cheek. If it weren’t for those big, expressive eyes of his, wide in surprise and glittering in the low light, he might have found a little more restraint — might being the operative word, he knows his weaknesses, and having this very beautiful man finally pressed against him is more than even his self-restraint can handle.

As he presses down he can feel the thrum of Ram’s heart - or is that is own - and he deepens the kiss to devour him. He’s been more passive than he’s ever had to be, which surprisingly had its merits, but he wants Rama in the ways he’d imagined, all the ways he’s dreamed of adoring him. His hand on the fur slides down until it comes across Rams, and he links their fingers together as he pins it down.

He's pressed back as Francis surges into the kiss and Raju can feel the weight of him unfamiliar and solid, trapping Raju securely exactly where he is. He can feel Francis' heart beating hard too, that's how close they are. How close they finally are. Francis' fingers link with his and then they press down, even more that's keeping him in place, and Raju lets out a laugh against Francis' lips that he'd expected to sound amused but comes out sounding giddy instead, excited and unsteady. Being held down this way is something Raju's only expected to feel in a fight, something to push against and win— but he doesn't have to win, here. Here the force holding him in place is Francis, who stays with him even when he shouldn't, who'd washed his hair and his hands and tended to his feet before they'd made their commitments to one another at all, at least out loud. Francis who's steadfast and intelligent and kind. If there's anyone with whom he can stop pushing trust to lead him it's this man and the thought is... well, it's a relief, an enormous relief but it's something else too, something washing through all his limbs at once.

Still. There's no reason to make things too easy on him.

The hand Raju's got on Francis' collar starts to creep up toward the back of Francis' neck, elbow out and the bend of his arm open enough that an arm on its own could slip itself through and push Raju's down to the blanket without any hand involved at all. Not making it too easy, but not making it too hard.

"And the other hand?" he grins against Francis' lips, hand continuing its slow journey toward holding Francis down somewhere. "What are you going to do about that?"

God, he loves this man.

Crozier bites at the grin, pulling back with an audible little smack as he sucks Ram’s lower lip red. “The cheek,” he says, very quickly following the silent lead and pushing his handless arm through to pin that other hand down to the floor.

He can’t imagine Rama’s ever let someone do this to him, but he can’t allow himself to think about it because ultimately his thoughts would drift to his fiancé. She doesn’t need to be in this bed with them tonight, not when he finally has Ram in a place to kiss and touch and hold as he pleases. He thinks of their first kiss and then before that, those moments of gentle, supportive, friendly touches between them, how he would crave more without even realizing it was what he wanted.

Crozier pushes his weight down onto Ram’s arms and kisses him again, leg sliding over his in a slow conquest of him. He wouldn’t be successful at all if Ram didn’t allow for it, if he didn’t also want this just as badly.

Francis' body is all on him now, and his arms are pinning Raju's arms, and his fingers are interlocked with Raju's fingers. He can feel Francis' chest against his, and his stomach against his, and his leg sliding up, and up. He feels covered, held, with Francis in a way he never has before. That reaching need to touch inside him that never quite goes quiet is muffled behind the weight. His chest heaves, pressing firmly against Francis' with each hard indrawn breath. His fingers curl tighter against Francis' and his arm twitches, pressing just a little against Francis' arm, and then just a little bit again. Just enough not to push it anywhere. But when he presses down against the floor it's with force, enough to push his lips more firmly into Francis', to push his body more firmly against Francis' weight. The leg that lifts and tries to curl around Francis' leg, or around the back of his knee, or anything that it can bend to reach is automatic, a half-formed impulse from the part of him that still thinks this is a fight coming out unformed and clumsy, or a need to be even closer however he can, or maybe it's both of those things. He doesn't know, he isn't thinking about it. He's too busy feeling.

It’s so worth all that waiting and patience, it’s so good, so indulgent to actually kiss and touch without worry. Ram’s body lifts and Crozier bears down, the two of them acting in tandem to just get that much closer, to be that near, to tangle themselves together physically to match all the ways they’ve already been entwined.

Crozier quietly gasps for breath between kisses, eagerly diving back in for more and more each time. With his face now clean-shaven he can really feel the brush of Rama’s beard and mustache against his skin, one of the small (or not-so-small) reminders that he’s fallen in love with and is deeply attracted to a man. Said man feels so strong and sturdy underneath him, it’s entirely new and strange and intoxicating.

The leg around Francis' manages to reach what might be the backs of Francis' knees, or his thighs, and Raju pulls that part of Francis toward him even as Francis is pressing himself against Raju, as Raju is pushing up against that wonderful weight pressing on him everywhere. There's something almost tranquil about it, being held down that way by this man, like a heavy blanket thrown over his thoughts that makes even the sudden hunger he's feeling into something that feels slow, and the movement of his hips grinding up against Francis' is slow. Raju takes a sharp breath in through his nose at the sensation, not breaking the kiss, and groans his need into Francis' mouth, the hand under Francis' arm curling its fingers as if wanting to grip something.

Crozier swallows the groan and responds with a quiet hum in the back of his throat. He’s not thinking about anything more but kissing and holding him at the moment, though the effect this is having on him is undeniable. Ram’s mouth is hot against his, his body silently asking for more as it tries to bring them together. He doesn’t know how much is voluntary either, that gentle bucking of his hips pushing back against his and making the fire in his belly burn even brighter.

He pulls his head back, partially to catch his breath, but mostly to bring his mouth down to the elegant slope of Rama’s neck. As much as he wants to keep kissing him - and he absolutely will - he wants to hear those groans more clearly.

There are lips on his throat and Raju lets out a surprised breath, looking openmouthed up at the ceiling. Every little touch, every gesture, feels like something new laying like this, with a man like Francis above him. He pants out a couple heavy breaths and then the need starts to creep into them too, each breath with a hint at a moan trailing it as he feels the lips against his skin pressing over his throat, feels the pressure and the weight but not the friction, so much and not enough and not allowed to reach for it, held the way he is. His head thunks back against the blanket and he laughs breathlessly.

"This is all you're here for?" he complains, his tone strained and delighted and impatient and in love. "Teasing me? This is what you've been dreaming about doing, all this time?"

Each hitch in Ram’s throat, every strangled moan and laugh, fuels his growing desire to do a hell of a lot more than just kiss. But it’s nice to hear a little desperation, a little impatience, because he sure as hell has been wallowing for the past few weeks.

“I don’t think that’s an actual complaint,” he mutters, nipping the more delicate skin in the hollow of his throat. “I’m not teasing, I’m savoring.”

But he has been dreaming of ravishing him completely, getting his lips on that beautiful brown skin of his and kissing every single inch. He thinks back on their trip to the hot springs, his sculpted chest dripping wet, the way his body had looked on the floor while he touched himself - temptation incarnate.

Savouring. Raju's head lifts to look— or try to look. With Francis' teeth where they are the view is mostly the back of his head, and Raju drops his head back again with what might be a sigh. And might not be. Raju isn't sure, suddenly, is wondering how long it'd been, even before he'd left those years ago, since he'd thought to savour anything like this at all. It seems— indulgent, somehow, the idea of Francis taking his time on purpose, only for this. As if the rest of it isn't indulgent already, but—

There's just something about taking time, as much to simply do it as to move them closer to anything, simply to enjoy it for its own sake, that hits Raju strangely. He still isn't sure just why.

His hips writhe again, not with his leg pulling them harder against Francis' this time but only moving, helplessly. He feels his lips still stinging from their kissing, and the weight of Francis over his chest and his stomach and his arms, and he feels Francis' mouth against his neck.

Admittedly, this isn't the best moment to try to think much of anything through.

"Savouring," he rasps, echoing Francis as he tries to put all of this into words he can use to direct Francis with.

"You... like this part?" is what comes to him, a little faintly between heavy breaths. "Just this?"

"Savoring," he repeats against his skin. Ram sounds surprised. Maybe it's the fact that they both men that confuses him, that one man would want to savor and cherish another man. "I love all parts."

He sucks and worries at a spot on his neck, a little sorry that Ram will never get to show it off to others, before finally giving Rama a reprieve. He pulls his hand and arm back and leans over him, plucking at his shirt collar idly. He'd like this all a lot better if Ram was wearing less clothes...

"It's been a while since I've been able to take my time and enjoy myself. Why wouldn't I savor you?" Look at him. He smiles softly as his hand travels down the front of his shirts, then slips underneath the hem and disappears.

The loss of the pressure holding his arms down is a shock and he watches Francis a little dazedly in the wake of it, feeling the ghosts of the sensations where Francis has just moved away. He blinks to try and focus, still breathing heavily through his mouth, as he watches Francis' hand moving down Raju's buttons, then disappearing underneath them. Francis' skin is against his skin; his next breath in shudders. His fingers twitch, but his arms stay where they are; one arm twitches, as if about to rise, and then doesn't. It seems wrong to move them, still. Or maybe he only doesn't want to, to keep feeling the echoes of Francis' weight holding them there.

"Going to savour me under there too?" Raju breathes, chest heaving as he watches Francis, feels him there.

"Going to savor every last inch of you," he replies simply, smoothing his hand up his flat stomach, feeling the brush of hair under his palm. He finds his navel and circles his fingers idly, leaning down against to kiss him while he caresses the hard lines of his muscles and soft dips under ribs. He brings his hand up to one of his nipples and just barely ghosts the pads of his fingers over it as he pushes his tongue into his mouth.

He can't pin him down any longer, but it doesn't seem like Ram is trying to fight him for control. Rather it seems like he's a little too overwhelmed to do anything but quietly question him, and now he can't even do that, he's being kissed so thoroughly as Crozier plays with him under his shirt.

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