For all the moments Raju's had to face the idea he doesn't know this man so well as he feels he should, the moments he's taken Raju by surprise, in this moment Francis is clear. In this way Francis has always been clear. In the face of Francis’ shame, his own disappears. It’s easy to act, at least, when a man he loves needs him to.
“You failed.” Too close to see properly, but Raju opens his eyes. He’s murmuring, words hushed but matter of fact, so that Francis will know what he understands. “It was yours to protect your men and now—“
There’s matter of fact and then there’s cruel. The end of the sentence sits where he left it. “But you still want to fight,” he goes on. “People need you, and it still matters. You failed, but you didn’t forget that you can do more — more than the others and more than you are — and so you should. No matter who they are or what they’ve done. Or what you’ve done. All that matters to you is that someone needs you. If I—“
For all saying it is easier when Francis needs him to Raju’s throat stops his words here, and his voice loses some of the volume that it’d gained. His thumbs start moving in a steady rhythm back and forth over Francis’ skin. It helps, and he goes on.
“If I… knew I’d be that way. Afterward. After I… That I’d be like you. Maybe then I wouldn’t be…”
It’s a long pause, then. To figure it out and then to force it into the open air, where it will harden and become real.
But it’s Francis, who’s lived through all those things. Francis, who’s in front of him feeling this way. There’s no one anywhere he could have said this to, except the one he hopes will hear him now.
“…afraid. Of… failing, the way you did. If I knew I was more like you. Maybe I wouldn't be so afraid. Why wouldn’t I want it? How could I want anything else?”
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2024-08-08 02:19 am (UTC)“You failed.” Too close to see properly, but Raju opens his eyes. He’s murmuring, words hushed but matter of fact, so that Francis will know what he understands. “It was yours to protect your men and now—“
There’s matter of fact and then there’s cruel. The end of the sentence sits where he left it. “But you still want to fight,” he goes on. “People need you, and it still matters. You failed, but you didn’t forget that you can do more — more than the others and more than you are — and so you should. No matter who they are or what they’ve done. Or what you’ve done. All that matters to you is that someone needs you. If I—“
For all saying it is easier when Francis needs him to Raju’s throat stops his words here, and his voice loses some of the volume that it’d gained. His thumbs start moving in a steady rhythm back and forth over Francis’ skin. It helps, and he goes on.
“If I… knew I’d be that way. Afterward. After I… That I’d be like you. Maybe then I wouldn’t be…”
It’s a long pause, then. To figure it out and then to force it into the open air, where it will harden and become real.
But it’s Francis, who’s lived through all those things. Francis, who’s in front of him feeling this way. There’s no one anywhere he could have said this to, except the one he hopes will hear him now.
“…afraid. Of… failing, the way you did. If I knew I was more like you. Maybe I wouldn't be so afraid. Why wouldn’t I want it? How could I want anything else?”