Seconds tick by before Crozier realizes just what Raju means by that long, sort of rambling reply. He wants to leave him now. He's asking how best to separate them now, who would get what, who would live where - it's complete insanity.
"What the hell are you talking about?" he asks softly, incredulously. He reaches out to grab a handful of snow, almost absently, and starts sprinkling it onto the flames. "Do you think any of that would make me stop -"
He pauses to choose his words, rubbing his now empty palm onto his sealskin trousers. "Do you think any of it would make me renounce you? I don't...I don't see you any differently, Raju. We don't measure our deeds in a ledger; if we did I don't think I'd be in the black."
If he could see Raju's face now it might make the words come easier. He can't though for all the smoke and his own bafflement at how quickly everything had seemed to collapse. But he knows one thing for certain, one thing that never wavered, and it's belief in his friend's valiancy and courage. To do all that and still feel like he hasn't done enough - he'd laugh if he wasn't so afraid of crying, they're just so similar.
"Holding onto my morals hasn't done me an ounce of good," he admits softly. "I should have let Mr. Morfin die. He was begging for it, tormented by the lead rotting his brain, but I was so determined to bring them all home I couldn't see the suffering. I should have...I should have let the men eat Fitzjames. It's what he'd wanted, but I couldn't bear to see him carved up after putting him out of his misery. I'm not...my morals have done nothing but harm the ones around me. I used to think I need to hold onto that optimism when all was disintegrating around me, but where has that lead me, Raju?
"You...please don't go. Please."
He looks down to the ground, forlorn. "You have no idea how much you've made life worth living."
cw: cannibalismmmmm
Seconds tick by before Crozier realizes just what Raju means by that long, sort of rambling reply. He wants to leave him now. He's asking how best to separate them now, who would get what, who would live where - it's complete insanity.
"What the hell are you talking about?" he asks softly, incredulously. He reaches out to grab a handful of snow, almost absently, and starts sprinkling it onto the flames. "Do you think any of that would make me stop -"
He pauses to choose his words, rubbing his now empty palm onto his sealskin trousers. "Do you think any of it would make me renounce you? I don't...I don't see you any differently, Raju. We don't measure our deeds in a ledger; if we did I don't think I'd be in the black."
If he could see Raju's face now it might make the words come easier. He can't though for all the smoke and his own bafflement at how quickly everything had seemed to collapse. But he knows one thing for certain, one thing that never wavered, and it's belief in his friend's valiancy and courage. To do all that and still feel like he hasn't done enough - he'd laugh if he wasn't so afraid of crying, they're just so similar.
"Holding onto my morals hasn't done me an ounce of good," he admits softly. "I should have let Mr. Morfin die. He was begging for it, tormented by the lead rotting his brain, but I was so determined to bring them all home I couldn't see the suffering. I should have...I should have let the men eat Fitzjames. It's what he'd wanted, but I couldn't bear to see him carved up after putting him out of his misery. I'm not...my morals have done nothing but harm the ones around me. I used to think I need to hold onto that optimism when all was disintegrating around me, but where has that lead me, Raju?
"You...please don't go. Please."
He looks down to the ground, forlorn. "You have no idea how much you've made life worth living."